Dear Missy,
I remember one moment from graduation weekend vividly. It was when I said goodbye to one of my best friends. We were in the parking lot at Townhouse Apartments - where neither of us lived. But he was about to get in the car with his parents and I didn’t know when I’d see him next. At the heart of it, graduation is an ugly constellation of all of these moments. It’s when you say goodbye to your friends and, for the first time, don’t know when you’ll see them again. For a graduation present I’m bringing you a few extra boxes of tissues. I needed a tissue when Ben left.
I’m only 27 years old but the past 6 years have given me some time to think about what I wish I knew when I left college. Even better, I’ve asked a lot of people who are much smarter and much more successful than me for what they wish they’d known when they left school to start working. And this letter is my best effort at compiling and summarizing that advice. At this point there's probably not any advice that you could hear that's bad advice - as long as it makes you think.
I don't have much of a career. I'm not convinced I want one -- at least not in the traditional sense. Because what is a “career” anyway? I suggest you don’t worry about having one. Instead, think deeply about the things you want in your life. You don't have to think too hard about it, either. We all want the same things. We want to be happy. We want to laugh. To not worry about money. To have friends and partners and love and all the normal things. The much harder question is what combination of people, places, and things is the right mix for you.
I started asking people for advice to give you and was amused to find out how much I needed and wanted the advice I was hearing for myself. I say that just so you know I'm writing all of this covered in grains of salt. [1] I don't share any of this advice under the pretense of having followed these principles myself.
Take things slow.
I usually don't take things slowly. But now that I'm getting older and have started accelerating my long-term project of becoming infirm this advice is ringing a bit truer for me everyday.
Why take things slow when you have a lot of energy and want to go fast? Taking things slow gives you more time to enjoy what you're doing, what's around you, and who you're with.
Apply this advice on a grand and on a micro scale. I mean, take more time sipping your coffee at Starbucks but also give yourself time to think about big decisions. I've made a lot of big decisions on gut instinct (which isn't necessarily a bad thing) but it certainly wouldn't have hurt to examine the decisions inwardly and to marvel at the luxury of the decision-making process.
Here's an example. Where are you going to work? That's a big decision and an easy one to make quickly. I leapt at the first real job offer I got. Thank god. I needed the money. But several people I really trust have advised to not take the first job offer you get. How different would my life have been if I moved home to Luray after graduating instead of starting at Argyle Social a week after I "graduated." I'd probably have a college degree, for starters.
(Note: I would advise you to start working just as soon as you can. Having a salary and a paycheck is brilliant.)
Do things as quickly as you can.
One of the key pieces of receiving and understanding and applying advice to your life is the ability to appreciate and respect contradictory advice. [2] You should do things as quickly as possible. I have a few friends who mull over decisions a lot. They get really down about the decision making process. And avoid making a decision out of fear of making the wrong decision. Don't be afraid of a wrong decision.
Jesse Palmer and a couple of other people have mentioned how much easier it is to take a risk when you're young. The consequences will only get bigger as you get older.
Relationships are really the only thing that matter.
I'm still learning this. But the most consequential advice I received when asking people for what I should write to you focused on relationships. My friend Emily pointed out that you will spend more time with your co-workers than you will with family, friends, or anyone who you choose specifically to be in your life.
Be as quick and as generous as possible when you're complimenting someone (especially a co-worker) but as slow as you can be when criticizing someone (especially, especially a co-worker). There should honestly be required college courses on how best to criticize someone you work with. It's one of the best job skills you can develop.
Don't wait for anyone to tell you what to do.
When you’re in college there are a lot of people who want to tell you what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. In the "real" world that's not the case. Sure, there are things that you must do. But you have more time and energy than that. Use at least a portion of your disposable time to figure out how to make your work easier. And how to make other's work easier.
Everyone has an agenda. Even if they don't know it. Some agendas are obvious - goals, deadlines, test scores, etc. Others are hidden. And it will behoove you to figure out what those agendas are. The good news is that it's easy. Because like my friend Alex likes to say - we're all fourth graders. It's easy to work with people who tell you what they want. If you have anything in common with me you're also curious about why they want it. And the why matters. Because that will help you figure out what is motivating them. And will help you better align your efforts with helping them achieve their goals. The only thing more satisfying that achieving your own goals is helping other people achieve their goals.
Regardless of our intentions we all pretty much do exactly what our parents do. Just a little differently. Humans have evolved to follow patterns. Patterns, by nature, make themselves easy to repeat. Think about the ways you want to be like mom and dad and the ways you'd like to be different. If nothing else it's an interesting perspective.
Don’t spend beyond your means.
If I were to regret anything ever it's that I lived beyond my means at times in my early 20s (generally because of moving costs). The credit card debt I had at the time was probably the thing I was most ashamed of, most absolutely embarrassed about. The easiest option is to just use Dave Ramsey's advice and to not use credit cards. Regardless of rewards, the temptation to spend money you don't have is to just too much. Your life will be a lot better if you don't do it. And you're starting out with student loans so you're already a few steps behind the rest of the pack.
I'm sad to say I'm leaning this next lesson just now. Benjamin Franklin was more eloquent about it but, essentially, asking someone for help is doing them a favor.[3] People want to be needed. And respected. And asked for counsel. If you ask your boss for advice because you don't know how to do something you're doing yourself a favor but you're also helping them grow as a mentor and leader and adult. Don't discount the power of making people feel good about themselves.
Do a few things.
As much as I hate to say it you should do fewer things. I'm not good at this. It's also OK to do a lot of things to figure out what the things are that you really like.
But really. Just do a few things. But really pour yourself into those few things.
You have all the time in the world. And you have no time. A lot of really smart people recommend starting every day with the frame of - what if this is your last day alive? Is this what you want to be doing? It's grim but it's a useful way to think about things.
Time passes differently as you get older. Your experience of time evolves and warps your perspective on everything. It’s why I can look back at my 21-year-old self and chuckle. If I could use a time machine to send myself a letter is would only be 8 letters. STFU. -XOXO
Think about it like this - when you are born each second has a huge impact on your life. When you are 21 each day is a certain percentage of your life. And it’s an important percentage. Not mathematically. But emotionally and experientially. When you are 27 years old you are just starting the process to realize how simultaneously vital and inconsequential every 24 hours is. It’s inconsequential because you’ll likely live until you’re 80 years old. So, what’s one day, really? But absolutely, completely, and totally vital because a day is everything. You only have one day. You only have this day. You woke up this morning and had 24 hours to do whatever it is you’re going to do.
Once you start going down this route you start thinking about dumb bunny questions like - why do humans exist? What are we put on this Earth to do? How should we be spending our time?
And there’s a reason a very famous book says that the answers to these and similar questions is 42.[4] There’s something beautiful about realizing (and internalizing) the idea that if a higher power exists it’s a higher power for a reason and it thinks in ways you can’t imagine. Literally, physically, your brain cannot imagine how “God” thinks. Because God doesn’t think. God doesn’t have a human brain. God is not a human. God is a beautiful black woman that exists in your subconscious and says “Child. Don’t start with me.”
So, what are you supposed to do with this letter? I’d recommend printing it out on toilet paper and doing whatever it is you’re going to next do with toilet paper. Probably the way to get the most practical use out of these words.
I love you. And I have boundless faith in your abilities to do anything you want to do. (Keeping in mind the fact, of course, that someone, somewhere, somehow has done it before)
I’m also willing to break my actual human back to help you do whatever you want to do.
I want you to do a few things for me.
Stay hungry. Explore. Ask why. Ask why again. And ask why again. If someone tells you not to do something use that to fuel your passion to get it done. If anyone ever says “These are the rules. Because.” I want you to nod along and conveniently ignore anything else that person tells you to do. If someone says you can’t do something because it’s out of the ordinary I hope you let them know you don’t have any interest in being ordinary. If you’re bored take a nap. If you’re awake keep moving. If you need a break stay still. If anyone ever treats you disrespectfully give me their name and address because I’m a pacifist but, as I’ve been told me “You’re a great fighter with your words.”
If anyone ever tries to make you feel bad about yourself call me. People only try to make other people feel bad about themselves when they are hurting inside and don’t know what else to do.
If anyone is ever annoying you at a party you can stop them mid-sentence, look them dead in the eye, and say, with all seriousness, have you been crying? Spoiler alert: they’ll stop bothering you.
If a man says you can’t do something because you’re a woman roll your eyes and do it twice as hard because you can and because whatever gender a doctor in rural Virginia assigned you in 1995 doesn’t make have any impact on your ability to follow your dreams.
If you find something funny laugh with abandon.
If you feel bad about something you’re learning a lesson.
If you are worried about regret know that you’ll only regret actions you don’t take, places you don’t go, experiences you don’t have, people you don’t meet, boys you don’t kiss, girls you don’t kiss, books you don’t read, movies you don’t watch, parties you don’t go to, asses you don’t kick, and names you don’t take. [5]
Most importantly -- dance every chance you get. It’s great exercise.
Love forever and without any conditions, Clay
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Some further reading and watching that I believe is especially useful for you just after you’ve finished school.
· Steve Jobs gave a very famous commencement address at Stanford University in 2005 and you can watch it here.
· This recent article about the benefits of being a little crazy is available here.
[1] I was actually recently covered head to toe in sea salt. I was also covered in organic honey. That’s why the salt stuck.
[2] F. Scott Fitzgerald, one of my favorite authors, said this better. And was quoted by Barack Obama. He said, “The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.” ( Link )